Two Years in Two Lines

I've been warned about this.

I knew it was coming, but I guess I just never thought it would be as bad as they say it is.

I guess I figured I would pull out of this feeling differently - - because, I just wanted it to be that way.

I saw a glimpse of all of this when I was home in the states.

People wanted to come visit me, they wanted to say hello. They wanted to see their shiny, fancy friend back from the Peace Corps.

"How's Africa?"

"I don't know how you do it. Isn't it so sad?"
"Do people die all the time?"
"Are you living in a hut? … what? They have electricity?"

 Let's start off with the fact that Africa is a CONTINENT. How's Africa? I don't know. But I could tell you about Botswana. And yes it's sad, but it's filled with so many success stories. And…. Oh. Ok. Right.

End of attention span.

People think that they want to hear about what I'm doing. Of course they ask questions, but most of them are so superficial there's no way it paints a clear picture of my service. And usually, after a few cut & dry questions, the conversation fizzles out.

What I do isn't always pretty.  It's emotionally exhausting, physically challenging, and mentally demanding. The decision to be here is one that I make every day.  I've mentioned that I love it here and that's no lie. I love that I have the opportunity to try to make a difference. I love that I'm welcomed into a culture that was foreign to me just last year. I love the life-long relationships I've built with some very special people here.

But my blog is only a small taste, a small glimpse of what's going on with me. Unless you've taken the time to email me, pick up the phone, or write a letter, you most likely don't know me anymore. You know the old me that is a part of who I am today, but you aren't seeing what I see when I look in the mirror these days.

I've changed. A lot. My perspectives, my values, my dreams, my fears… they've changed. In 19 months, I've changed for the better. I've become broken. I've been put back together. I've felt alone. I've rejoiced in unity.

So why am I saying this all now?

I'm starting to think seriously about my future after my Peace Corps service ends, which means updating resumes.  It means job searches. It means putting a lot of puzzle pieces together.

It means that not only did I have to figure out how to put together sound bites of my service for friends and family at home, now I have to turn two years into two lines on a resume.

How can I describe all the children I play with at the OVC (Orphans & Vulnerable Children) Center? How can I explain the stories of heartache the youth experience in child-headed households? How can I write about the patients we have lost at the clinic? How can I communicate my own personal growth?

It's frustrating. And heartbreaking.

When I go home, this is all going to be the past. Memories. No one else will fully understand.

So as I'm trying to turn my service into a few keywords, I will also be writing furiously in my journal, compiling video clips into a montage, and documenting all my favorite photos. I will be trying to find ways to keep my service alive so that when I return to the hustle and bustle in America, I won't forget.

This time is too precious to me to forget. And please, when I'm with you, ASK. Ask me - - anything. Each of you have moved on with your lives and things have changed. Believe me, I have a LOT of catching up to do with a LOT of people when I come back. But I'm just one person for you.

Let's share our experiences together to keep them alive.

 

 

Love & Light,

TMV

Forever Homesick

Oh hey. It's me. I promise I didn't forget about you… I just got busy. And lost in thought. Truly, lost in those swirling, twirling clouds of hopes, dreams, fears, ideas.

But I'm back. I feel like I can breathe again. It has been a whirlwind, to say the least.

A quick rundown for you:

· August 5-20: Visiting the good ole' US of A

· August 20-22: Traveling to Botswana

· August 22-September 16: An epic visit from Michael, traveling through Lesotho, South Africa, and Botswana

· September 16-September 26: Wipe my tears, pick myself back up

· September 27- October 1: GLOW Camp at Good Hope Senior Secondary School

· October 2-11: Recuperate. Or try to.

· October 12-16: Help my site-mate pack up & close her two year service as a Peace Corps Volunteer

· October 17-24: Girls weekend in Maun area, fix hard drive on old computer, see other volunteers

· October 26-7: Weekend visit from Ashley to check in

· November 1-3: Host small fellowship gathering at my house

· November 4: BREATHE.

· November 5: BREATHE. Repeat. Try to catch up on life.

That's a lot (in case you were wondering).  A lot for a Peace Corps Volunteer who is used to a slower pace of life. A lot for a woman who has been through every emotion in the books while bouncing back and forth between homes. A lot for any human who has any desire for self reflection and growth.

With that being said, I'm tired. Tired, and oh-so-very happy.

For today, I'll update you about America. Stay tuned for the rest…

* * * * * * * * *

It was a longgggggg trip. With every bus, taxi, and plane I stepped onto, I realized just how far I am away from home. I realized how much land and ocean are between me and the ones I love. I was tired when I arrived in Denver late at night, but the urge to pass out quickly diminished when I found my best friend waiting for me.

Lizzy and Michael both came to meet me at the airport - - and Michael graciously told Liz she could have the first hug since he had seen me over the holidays. My sweet best friend who never cries flooded me with tears within minutes of my arrival. Words just don't describe how precious that moment was to me. And to be back in Michael's arms… ! My world just felt right with the two of them there with me.

I spent the next few days settling in, remembering how to drive again, and hugging and kissing my family. My mom constantly worried about me and how I was adapting to the culture shock… but truly, besides the strange robot humans who sat in front of mounted i-Pads at the JFK airport, I was doing really well. Home just felt like home. It felt so normal.

My mom offered to host an open house for friends are family to come say hello. It was a beautiful day, full of good food and company. Thank you to everyone who came, it was such a blessing to catch up with each and every one of you!

I had the chance to visit with family who came in from out of state - my dad's family came from all over to say hello and gather for a few days. It was a great chance to say hi to everyone and spend some quality time with my niece and nephew who are growing up so fast. And of course, I'm thankful for all the conversations I had with everyone who came to say hello.

And for the first time in quite a while, I got to feel like me.  I got to feel like Liz's best friend. I got to feel like Michael's girlfriend. I got to feel like who I was before this crazy Peace Corps ride. But I got to feel it in a whole new way… and this time, I liked it all even more. I live for all the little things.  Like giggling with my best friend and helping her give her kitten a bath. Like pouting with Michael and watching him sleep on my bed while I pack my bags again. Like playing with Kai and Quinn, and catching up with their beautiful parents. Like baby puke on my arm and cocktails just because I want to (and because I can).

I got to see my mom's side of the family. I sat and chatted about the big, life-changing things… as well as the itty-bitty details. I got to meet my cousin's sweet baby girl.  I played with my parents goats and tasted their goat cheese they made. I wished my cousin well as she headed off for her first year of college. I hugged and kissed my grandparents, thanking God for their good health and spirits.  I cuddled with my momma and my brother on our living room floor.

I felt loved. I saw friends who came from all around the states to give me hugs. I soaked up every little bit of love and happiness I possibly could. I made memories and listened to the stories of how their lives were unfolding. I laughed, I cried, I smiled. I just felt so damn lucky. My life is full of truly remarkable people.

My heart was just exploding with joy. It was like all these joy bombs were set off sequentially. I was ecstatic to be home and see everyone.

But then, there was that one thing. That one thought that kept coming back to my mind… I miss Botswana.

I had feared that happening, but I never prepared myself for what that would mean. I was home, back in the states, full of love and sheer joy, but I was still homesick. I missed my little home in Kang. I missed my family. I missed the sweet children running barefoot in the sand to give me hugs as I come home from the clinic. I missed the quiet lifestyle.

And then it hit me: I'm going to be homesick...forever. I have two insanely beautiful homes, full of people whom I love and admire. I can't complain - - I have the best of both worlds, it just so happens that they are half a world apart.

My heart is always going to have two homes.

And so with half my heart, I boarded the plane after another round of tearful goodbyes. I boarded the plane to go back to my new home, knowing that the game has just begun. I'll always be somewhere in between everything I love. And for that, I'd say I'm lucky.

I love my life. I love you all. I love it in Botswana.

Peace Corps Win.

And to add to the joy, I got to see my sweet friend Kaile in New York and Michael's mom in Frankfurt on my way back to Botswana.

It was a full trip. Full of love, faith, healing, and clarity.

Forever homesick isn't the worst thing to be…

Love & Light,

TMV

Things break down

I haven't forgotten about blogging.

I was home in Colorado for two weeks, brought Michael back with me to Botswana, traveled around southern Africa with him, said our good-byes, and went back to life as a normal Peace Corps Volunteer.

Surely, I have a few things to say, right?

Believe me that I do!

But things break down. I broke down emotionally when I had to leave my loved ones again. My adapters broke. My hot water kettle broke. An electric pole broke leaving my village without electricity for a period of time. The water was gone. And then.. My computer broke.

At least i'm thankful to have access to internet on my smart phone. It's amazing how much I use my computer for work and contacting loved ones. I will be ordering a new one, but it will be several weeks before I have it in my hands and get back to blogging, sharing pictures, working, etc.

It's kind of a blessing to be forced to have down time and reflect. Reading, writing, and sleeping more will be good for my soul after all my whirlwind adventures.

And even though things are breaking left and right.. And least my spirit hasn't. I'm happy to be in my sweet lil village, and amazed at how few months I have left as a Peace Corps Volunteer. Until next time...

Love & light,
Tmv

Taking apart my laptop... Attempting to fix it (fail).

Life in the Peace Corps will not be easy... but it will be rich & satisfying.

a short video clip I put together for some presentations I did about my Peace Corps experience while I was home visiting the USA. Enjoy! 

Love & Light, 
TMV 

My Soul Knows the Difference

Sitting in NYC, I finally see that I'm not who I was when I left the states. I think I've noticed some of it while in Botswana, but it's hard to see the change in me when I'm constantly in the environment that taught me to change. Watching people interact on my journey from Kang to NYC just amazes me. Their behavior makes me realize how much I've changed mine. 

* * * * * 

I give more. Mostly, because I have realized I need less. I gave the cleaning lady three hard-boiled eggs, simply because I could. I gave my taxi driver an apple- because if I get to eat an apple at 6 AM when he picks me up, he should be able to as well. I bought tights I didn't need (or want) from a woman selling them to raise school fees for her children. I gave trail mix to a woman in the airport because she said she was hungry and not feeling well. Any of that extraordinary? No. But I realize how much I love to share now. 

I say hello. I want to know you. I want to know your story, your heart, your dreams. I say hello to people who might just need the smile. I compliment strangers because I genuinely believe what I say and believe they should hear it - even if it surprises them to hear it from someone they don't know.

I observe. The man next to me asked for a chicken dinner, but they only had pasta with a small chicken side salad. I offered him mine (in addition to his own) since I don't eat meat, and he graciously accepted. I noticed rude remarks from a gentleman at a coffee shop to the cashier - - and managed to make her laugh it off, left a tip, and let her know she was appreciated. 

I make friends quickly. We are all so similar- all of us in the world. Conversation is so much more natural when I know we can connect on the same level - the level of simply being human. I laughed and chatted all morning with a woman from Tanzania on the bus, exchanged contacts with a South African woman working at a restaurant I at at, and helped a Chinese woman get on a taxi to find her way to law school in NYC. 

I am continually humbled.I find myself in so many situations that scream, "you are so blessed. Give all you can & help as many as you can." We are here to help one another - and it's necessary to put aside and pride of shame that prevents us from giving all we can. 

I wonder what weighs upon hearts. I think about what people might be going through. I'm sure I'm rarely ever correct, but the point is - - no matter if someone is at a good point in their life or not - they deserve love. They deserve respect. They deserve a smile. A large majority won't return the favor - but every bit of good that goes into the world make it a better place & I know that I'm a part of that. 

I wear my own heart out on my sleeve. I have learned that my transparency with others allows them to be more open with me. We connect on a deeper level. It makes me more human. I can't pretend that I'm not emotional and that I don't get reduced to tears... I'm human. We all are. 

I err on the side of love. When I find myself in a situation & I don't know what to do, I love. I consider whatever option can show my love the most and do that. Maybe not everyone would agree, but giving more, loving more, listening more, and helping more makes my heart content. My soul is at peace that way.

I laugh at absolutely everything. Really. EVERYTHING. Kids make me laugh the most - - but even when things go terribly wrong, I'm still laughing. I remember someone saying that PC Africa volunteers come back laughing at everything - and that certainly seems to hold true for me too :o) 

* * * * * 

Have I changed the world in 16 months? No. But I have changed me. And even if I've just improved who I am, I guess I have made the world a bit better. 

I'm inspired, I'm motivated, and I'm determined to keep smiles upon strangers' faces, laugh along with the absurdities in life, hug & kiss my loved ones more & look for ways to help. 

Life is so sweet. I am so blessed. 
And my soul knows the difference between who I was & who I am.

Thank you, Botswana, for changing my life. I look forward to another 10 months when I return. 

My heart is light & full of joy. 
Now to spread the joy.... 

Love & Light, 
TMV 

The Worst Kind of Thief

I've never been "robbed" in the definition you're thinking  of.

But I have been robbed of joy. And perhaps you have been too.

I'm often hesitant to share exactly what I think on a public blog, but this time, I'm going to try to let loose of all inhibitions and tell you what's on my heart - maybe it will help you to hear it too.

Our lives are filled with easy access to social media. Facebook and twitter are at our fingertips (and yes, even in Botswana). Status updates flood our newsfeeds with messages that allow (and promote) comparison, whether we are aware of it or not. Getting on Facebook gives me anxiety these days… and it took me a long time to realize that. I used to be thinking…"how many engagements in my newsfeed today? Who is going to grad school? Any babies? What kind of amazing things are other Peace Corps volunteers doing in their communities?"

Crazy? Yes. Unrealistic? No. Social media sites ask us to post status updates, photos, and videos about just how awesome our lives are. The result? All the best. And (usually),  only the best.

Who wants to like a status about how lost and confused someone is? Anyone ready to pick up the phone and discuss big life problems of an acquaintance that posted at 5 a.m.?

We highlight our best, and hide our worst.

But let's be real for a minute…

No one is perfect. No relationship is a fairy tale. No distinct life path is meant for any two people.

We are divine creations. We are SO UNIQUE. You & I could experience the EXACT same thing & it would create entirely different emotions and thoughts for each of us. 

Everyone has their own path in life. Some never finish school, others do. Some find the love of their lives early on & have babies in their twenties, others don’t. You get the point, I need not continue the list.

No matter what happens, or when it happens, it's right for that person. Milestones in life are not predetermined. They aren't set in stone (yet). They only will be when you're ready.

Isn't that incredibly beautiful?

The life you're living is meant for you. You're right on time, you're right on track.

* * * * *

Pause for the crazy personal application:

I've been driving myself crazy trying to study for the MCAT. I worry I'm not smart enough. Will medical schools accept me? Can I save lives as a doctor?

Downward spiral of thoughts… well, maybe I'm not smart enough. I have been out of school for years, and my other peers are already in medical school. They worked in research labs, I quit my lab job. They were the top of their class, I enjoyed my time in college, and still got a good GPA (but certainly not a  4.0) I spent all this time in the Peace Corps when I could have been working my way to becoming a doctor… blah blah blah, worry worry worry.

It's ridiculous.

And I know that. Only when my crazy comparison glasses come off. When I stop with the crazy comparisons, I know that my experiences make me who I am. That's what will make me a great doctor.

So will I ever be that perfect medical school applicant? Never. I'll never have the perfect GPA. I'll never achieve that high MCAT score I dream of that would get me into Ivy League Schools.

The beauty? I wouldn't like Ivy League Schools anyway.

I'll get the score I need, I'll get to medical school somehow. I'll be admitted to the right school for me, when it's right for me.

I'll be somewhere that accepts me for who I am. They'll accept me as the woman who loves wearing a clown nose and learning alongside Patch Adams, holding hands with home-based care patients dying of AIDS, rocking babies to sleep, and approaching each person with love, compassion, and friendship.

I'm not your typical medical school applicant. I'm just me.

And when I look at myself without comparison, I'm quite content.

* * * * *

Comparison is the worst kind of thief.

Avoid it at all costs.

You've fought your own battles. You have your own scars. Your heart has its own desires.

Don't define your own self worth by someone else's standards.

Love your own life. And above all, love that there is no one else in the entire universe with your skills, your personality, and your heart.

Love &Light,

TMV 

Find the Clearing

I found a wonderful little gem I've been meaning to share.

Clearing 

by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save

the whole world

or do anything grandiose.

Instead, create

a clearing

in the dense forest

of your life

and wait there

patiently,

until the song

that is your life

falls into your own cupped hands

and you recognize and greet it.

Only then will you know

how to give yourself

to this world

so worthy of rescue.

* * * * *

Why do I treasure this so much? Because I get caught up in the little things. All the daily stressors. The comparisons. The what if's.

And I know I'm not alone.

We're all human. We all do it. We all get carried away.

But here's the thing… there's always something. There's always something that will push us past our breaking point. Unexpected news. Annoyances. Demands. Expectations. Realities we don't want to face.

Life gets crazy. It doesn't slow down. In fact, I'm convinced it keeps going faster.

Finding peace within yourself is SO POWERFUL. Stepping away from the issues and finding calm within yourself will help you maintain sanity and optimism throughout the chaos.

You don't have to have the right answers ( I certainly don't have them). Live your life, find comfort within, and have faith that if you're paying attention, life will lead you in the right direction.

There is so much peace and comfort within you. Try to find it. I'll be doing the same.

Love & Light,

TMV