Learning to Love Ourselves

Learning to love myself has been an ongoing life process. It's something I work at with each new day. Now, I'm not saying I don't love myself at all. I'm saying that I am not good at loving myself unconditionally. I'm not sure that many of us are….

I'm a human. I make mistakes. I'm certainly nowhere near perfect. But nonetheless, I still know that beneath the flaws and imperfections lies a woman who is worthy of love and respect. Deep down, I know these things are true. I know that I deserve loving relationships. I know that I was created in God's image. I know that I have the skills and abilities to go where I want to go in life. But somehow… somehow… life still gets in the way of those sweet truths.

People break my heart. Words tear me down. Societal pressures tell me I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough. I am let down. Things don't go my way. My self esteem is thrown out the window.

So how does it all balance out? How does one avoid depression and feeling like a failure? Constantly reminding myself of the TRUTH.

When I feel down, I have my friends, family, faith and a WHOLE lot of love to remind me that I'm more than enough. I have little daily reminders of just how blessed I have been.

But…. What if that wasn't the case? What if life wasn't full of people and blessings to lift you up? What if life brought one hardship after the other- relentless pain without a break? How should someone have hope for their future, believe in themselves, and acknowledge the core truth that they are loved!?

That's the situation so many people find themselves in. I would consider myself very lucky… on a daily basis, I find people who are starved for love, attention, and praise. Eyes light up when I call people by their name, ask them about their dreams, and encourage them to believe in themselves. I find that even in the darkest situations, one match-just one small thing- can light up someone's life.

Small acts of kindness and love go a long way. I do what I can, whenever I can, and hope that somehow it makes a difference. I've been working with one woman for a few weeks now who has really opened up to me, trusted me with her darkest secrets, and allowed me to pour love into her life. When an opportunity comes along and someone is willing to expose their deepest life wounds, I can't just walk away. I have the desire to help them see their own self worth, respect themselves, work through their issues, and find the light at the end of the tunnel.

In a culture saturated with issues surrounding transactional sex, it's so important to help people realize that they shouldn't feel shame or guilt for the situations they find themselves in. No one chooses to have that kind of lifestyle. They are simply trying to survive. Looking past the shame and guilt is not an easy task… women often feel ashamed of their bodies. They are emotionally scarred. They struggle to see the good in who they are.

But.. WHAT IF they could see that they are still worthy of love and respect? What if we could show them that they deserve a better life than the one they are currently living? What if we stress the importance of education? Maybe...just maybe… it would make a difference in the long run.

I met with Mpho*today to do just that. I shared this blog post with her - about how one woman describes loving her body. We discussed how people negatively affect our perceptions about ourselves and the importance of loving who we are, no matter what. I gave her a new journal and then we sat together… putting pen to paper about why we love ourselves. I must admit I was a bit nervous about this activity, due to language barriers, thinking the activity was dumb… etc. But to my surprise, it was a huge success. Here's what she wrote:

I LOVE MYSELF.

I REALLY LOVE MY CHARACTER BECAUSE IT HELPS ME TACKLE DIFFICULT SITUATIONS AND OVERCOME THEM.

I REALLY LOVE MY BRAIN BECAUSE WHENEVER I GO THROUGH A DIFFICULT SITUATION. IT HELPS ME TO THINK OF POSITIVE THINGS, NOT NEGATIVE THINGS LIKE SUICIDE.

I HAVE LOST MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS STILL YOUNG, BUT THIS HAS NEVER DISCOURAGED ME IN LIFE.

I ONCE DROPPED OUT FROM SCHOOL DUE TO TEENAGE PREGNANCY BUT I JUST DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR MY STUDIES, AND THAT'S ONE THING I LIKE ABOUT MY PERSONALITY.

I LOVE MY NOSE AND DIMPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SAME AS MY FATHER'S.

I LOVE THE WAY I RESPOND TOWARDS PEOPLE, MORE ESPECIALLY MY PEERS WHEN THEY SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT ME. I WILL NEVER BE DISCOURAGED BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE.

I COME FROM A CHILD HEADED FAMILY, BUT I NEVER GET STRESSED ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT, THAT'S ONE OTHER THING I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF.

I NEVER COMPARE MYSELF WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WE'RE NOT FROM THE SAME COMPOUNDS AND OUR BACKGROUNDS DO DIFFER. THAT'S WHY I LOVE MYSELF.

I HAVE LOST MANY PEOPLE THAT I LOVE BUT I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THE END OF MY LIFE AND I HAVE TO MOVE ON. THAT'S WHY I LOVE MY CHARACTER.

She was so proud of her work. She was beaming when she finished reading it to me. When I told her I would type it & frame it for her, she smiled and gave me a hug. Success! I shared my writing with her, which helped her understand that she's not alone. She was quite surprised to hear me say that I struggle with  feeling loved sometimes too.

After our emotional session about (and progress toward) loving ourselves, we sat down for another hour or so working through her biology assignments. I've committed to working with her once a week to (a) process all the emotional trauma she was been through (there's so much more to the story than I'm willing to post online) and (b) to encourage her to focus on her academics to pass form 5 (12th grade) and graduate. I am truly excited to work alongside her as she learns to love herself and discover her true potential.

When we can feel loved, valued, and worthy of respect… what's going to get in our way? I will support her in every way I possibly can to see her life improve. After all, that's what we're all here for, right?

Love your neighbor as yourself.-Matthew 22:39

As the Father has sent me, I am sending you. -John 20:21

Love & Light,

TMV

*Her name has been changed for this blog 

I asked Him to break my heart

Pour yourself a hot cup of tea, put of the song Naima by Angelique Kidjo, and get ready for an intense emotional ride through my life.

As long ago as I can remember, I have always been involved in activities that were very emotionally draining, but rewarding overall. I've always had a heart for volunteer work and helping those in need. Sometimes I was drawn to nursing homes, soup kitchens, fundraising for a cause, hospitals, rural clinics, or children in orphanages. But other times, it was a simple as listening to someone's life story, paying it forward, or going out of my way to make a small difference. Whether it was a small or large act, each experience has shaped me into who I am toady.

Pre-Peace Corps, the organization that pulled on my heart strings the most was Camp Wapiyapi. I worked with Wapiyapi for about three years before I moved to Botswana and everyone in my Wapiyapi family has left footprints in my heart. For those of you who don't know, Camp Wapiyapi is a camp for kids with cancer and their siblings. Basically, any child with cancer and their siblings are welcome to come to a week long camp full of fun, games, and just being a kid. They call it "The Best Week of the Year" and I doubt that anyone who has attended would disagree. Wapiyapi was always the highlight of my year.

Sometimes, I got the typical response… "OH! Kids with cancer? Doesn't that just break your heart?" And of course, YES, it does. But it does SO MUCH more than that. The kids are full of life, full of energy, and full of hope. If you ever want to experience life fully, spend some time with those kiddos. They know what it's like to look death straight in the eyes and say, "MOVE ON. I'm not ready to go yet." They know how to enjoy all the important things in life: a good game, spending time with family, playing outside, or encouraging others. They're absolutely incredible. Nobutseriously.

The people I've met at Camp Wapiyapi (both volunteers and kiddos alike) have  inspired me to pursue new challenges in life and reminded me to always remember what really matters, and forget about the rest. I miss working with everyone since I've been in the Peace Corps - but what amazes me is how much they still love and support me  while I'm a half a world away. My Wapiyapi family continues to help me through things, even when I can't be there to help them as much as I'd like.

Before accepting my invitation to Peace Corps, I remember a good friend talking to me about how heart-wrenching my job would be working in the HIV/AIDS sector. My response? Bring it on. I've always desired to be in situations that are difficult but rewarding. Sounded like a perfect fit. I felt ready to take on the challenge.

Upon my arrival, the statistics thrown at me about Botswana's current HIV epidemic were devastating. Women are having transactional sex to have money for food, rent, or to support their children. The prevalence of gender based violence is heart breaking. Intergenerational sex continues the spread of HIV. And on and on.

Long story short, it's a lot to handle emotionally. So what does that mean for volunteers here? In my eyes, I had one of two options. (1) let it tear me to pieces, emotionally exhausted by all that was happening around me or (2) to shut down. I think for a while, I really was tuned out of the reality of what was happening. I just needed to be for a while. I was adjusting to the new culture, learning to live as far away from home as I ever have, and trying to navigate my way as a successful volunteer. I had to tune things out for my survival.

But then I got to the point where I felt too apathetic. I was angry with myself for not feeling. I was disappointed that I wasn't really soaking in the reality of what was going on. And so I prayed.

I prayed for my heart to break for the things that break God's heart. I prayed to be outside of my comfort zone. I asked God to help me learn and grow through my period of grief. I asked Him to help me notice all the things that would touch my heart. I prayed that I would feel what others were feeling.

And then I waited.

As time went on, I noticed how much my heart had opened up to the pain and suffering I see so often. I could feel the desperation of one of my co-workers who has AIDS as I held her hand in the clinic ward. I could feel her relief when I brought her a cool washcloth and glass of water. I could feel her joy each time  I visited her at home during the next two months of recovery.

I felt compassion (rather than annoyance) when children begged me for two pula. And I felt their understanding when I would kiss their palms and say that their hands are able to do so much more than beg.

I continued to pray. And I continued to grow. But throughout my growth, I could also see that more and more was being placed in front of me to wrap my head and my heart around.

 I wept when one of my closest friends back home was diagnosed with cancer. I struggled with being away from home, tried my best to have  faith and send her all the love I could. I remember wondering why life is so unfair, and then, I received a gentle reminder that all things happen the way they should. I continued to learn to have faith in Him. I won't always understand the plan, but I am learning to trust that He is in control of everything.

Not so much longer after that, I lost one of my good friends in the village to AIDS. His immune system was so compromised that TB took over as an opportunistic  disease, and finally, he lost his battle against two diseases that regularly take lives here. I wept at his families house  during the week of funeral preparations, prepared tea for his father who survived him, and hugged each person who needed some extra love. I laughed at his funeral when people described his vibrant personality and gave thanks for having the opportunity to know  him.

I continued to find daily challenges along the way after this, up until my birthday when another shock set in. On my birthday, four good men from my village were killed in a car accident - - one of which was a dear coworker of mine. My birthday was rather solemn, and the following week was spent sharing stories about al the lives these young men touched. They played soccer together, participated in local choirs, and were actively involved in the community. It was a great loss to our village. I wept again when the soccer team carried his casket away as I asked God, WHY?!

My broken heart just keeps on breaking. Just like I asked. At our GLOW (girls leading our world) camp, young women came forward and opened up about the horrors they have faced throughout their life. The statistics I mentioned before came rushing to my mind… finally the statistics had faces and names attached to them - making them even more real than before. Hearing their stories brought me to tears and encouraged me to make all the difference I can in the lives of these women while I am here. My heart broke - again and again- as I heard about their abusive relationships, transactional sex, and lack of parental guidance. But of course - they were full of strength - faith - and joy. They sang, danced, cried, and loved each other the whole weekend.

After the camp, my mother emailed me to let me know that my Aunt Danatta passed away. My family will certainly be feeling the loss of this incredible woman, but as my mom reminded me, " Danatta's was a life well lived and well loved. She touched a lot of people with her kindness." I wish everyone had the opportunity to live as fully as my Aunt Danatta.

And most recently, my heart was broken again by the news of the death of a dear friend from Camp Wapiyapi. Anise was far too young to be taken from us, but I know that her playful spirit will be welcomed in heaven and she will be smiling down on all of us. I will miss her dearly, and my heart goes out to her family and friends.

I could write pages upon pages about each of these stories I've shared with you - - I've met extraordinary people throughout my life, and it hurts to see them go. I've been reduced to tears more often in the past six months than I can care to count - the earth shattering - push-your-back-against-the-wall-and-slide-to-the-ground-cover-your-face kind of tears. It's not usually what I care to write about on my blog because it's not uplifting … but I felt like it was time.

And despite all tears and heartache, I continue to pray. I continue to ask God to break me down and help me witness the pain and suffering other people experience. I keep pursuing his help to guide me through the chaos and help me see ways I can minimize the grief.

Asking Him to break my heart was a seriously risky thing to do, but by far the best decision I've made. I hope to never allow apathy to win again. I vow to see all the beauty in life and soak it up - - because life is fleeting. This life is so short.

So kiss your loved ones and hold them just a little bit closer. Try to understand the grief others are experiencing. Notice how blessed you really are. Stop asking for more. Be grateful for your health and actively work to keep yourself as healthy as possible. Love harder.

And I dare you to ask God to break your heart too.

A comfortable life is not one worth living. Break out of your comfort zone, learn, and grow. I'm so glad that I am. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Love & Light,

TMV

Robala ka kagiso ditsala tsame. 

Oh, the places I've been

When my mom came to visit, she brought me the book Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr.Seuss. I read it while she was here - - laughing, crying, and realizing how much it resembled my life.

  Dr.Seuss, you got it all right.

It's difficult for me to believe I crossed the stage to collect my diploma from CSU two years ago. I've learned so much. I've had so many ups and downs. I've wandered around a lot. I've tried to understand exactly who I am and my purpose in life. Here's my lil' rendition of how this book applies to my life.... Hope you enjoy! 

*     *     *     *     *

Oh, the Places You'll Go

by Dr. Seuss 

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

Graduating from CSU, May 2011

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

Any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

leaving on a solo road trip, September 2011

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

You're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

You'll want to go down.

In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.

cross-country adventures, September 2011

It's opener there

In the wide open air.

beautiful west virginia, October 2011

Out there things can happen

And frequently do

To people as brainy

And footsy as you.

Learning at Gesundheit! Institute with one of my role
models, Patch Adams. October 2011

And when things start to happen,

Don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

Who soar to high heights.

Teaching children about Guatemala, my country of service
for the Peace Corps. December 2011 

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

Accepting a new Peace Corps invitation after Guatemala was cancelled
January 2012

I'm sorry to say so

But sadly, it's true

That Bang-ups

And Hang-ups

Can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

In a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

Not so pleased after Peace Corps Guatemala was cancelled
January 2012

You'll come down from the Lurch

With an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

That you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

You're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

Is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

new places! Botswana, April 2012

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…

Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple, it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

That you'll start in to race

Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place….

A much slower pace of life, May 2012 

… for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

Or a bus to come, or a plane to go

Or the mail to come, or the rain to go

Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

Or waiting around for a Yes of No

Or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

Or waiting for wind to fly a kite

Or waiting around for Friday night

Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

Or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

waiting, waiting, June 2012

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

All that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

Where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

Once more you'll ride high! 

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of guy!

Grassroots Soccer Team, October 2012

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

Will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,

With the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

World Map Project, February 2013

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

You'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

Good ole' Kang, Botswana.
February 2013

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

You'll be quite a lot.

Plenty of alone time, February 2013 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

You'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

That can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

Camel Spiders, October 2012

But on you will go

Though the weather be foul.

On you will go

Though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

Though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

A frightening creek,

Though your arms may get sore

And your sneakers may leak.

walks with my sisters, February 2013 

On and on you will hike.

And I know you'll hike far

And face up to your problems

Whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,

As you already know.

You'll get mixed up

With many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

And remember that Life's

A Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

Relaxing in Maun, Botswana
February 2013

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

GLOW (Girls Leading Our World) Camp, May 2013 

So…

Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

You're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So… get on your way!

Living fully, February 2013

Love & Light, 

TMV

A Different Kind of Birthday

As I sit alone tonight, sipping on red wine in a recycled coke can, I find my heart full of joy. I'm reflecting back on 23 & ready to welcome 24  tomorrow. This birthday is unlike any from my past.

I'm writing by candlelight. I'm living alone. I'm the furthest away from home than I've ever been. I'm not surrounded by friends and family. I made myself a carrot cake from scratch. I have no big birthday events planned. It's opposite from anything I've ever known. It's different. And I like it.

Despite the change, I still find that I have so much to celebrate.

*the comfort I feel from the familiarity of a small village

*the way faces light up with a smile to greet me

*the chance to make an impact

*the opportunity to follow my dreams

*the time I have to listen, learn, watch, and love

*the ability to empower others

*the responsibility to be a good role model

*the love I give & receive

*the gift of a new day & a new chapter in life

*the awareness that nothing is permanent

*the insight & perspective that humbles me

*the fight to stand up for what I believe in

*the strength to overcome the most challenging situations

*the desire to continually improve upon my character

*the hope for a better future

*the joy in the little moments that matter

*the faith that there is a plan… for me & everything else in life

What more could a girl ask for?

Less really is more.

24… I'm ready.

Love & Light,

TMV